Welcome to Upskill Talks, I'm your host, Michelle Shaw, Lead Upskiller at Upskill Community. Upskill Talks is a podcast for leaders. Leaders who are actively seeking innovative and creative ways to interact. Lead themselves and others in every episode through real life stories and enlightening conversations. We will explore the challenges and opportunities real leaders face in today's ever changing workplace. We will present you with real strategies for you to leverage your soft skills and produce transformative results. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Let us begin. In earlier in 2023, we decided at Upscale to start thinking about a theme for our year. And we decided to share our thinking process with you in episode 64. And we looked at choosing the theme for your year. So when the year comes, we're not in thinking mode, we're in execution mode. Thanks for opening Michelle. This is actually my first year setting a theme for my year. It's a little bit of a different. Mindset from having New Year's resolutions, and, um, I've been doing it probably for like six, seven years and sometimes I'll bring it up to people and they get a distaste and they'll say, I don't send New Year's resolutions. Why do that? They don't get achieved anyways. So you switch the themes. I still, yes, you know, sometimes it's, it's having a different framework for your goals is helpful. Maybe New Year's resolutions is not the best way to do it. Maybe there are better ways to do it. So this year I'm going to try having a theme for my year using the framework that was laid out in episode 64, the four steps to success. And I think. It might be a better framework to achieving my goals or I'm going to try it and while we talk about this, I encourage you, the listener to think about your theme for the year. but before we get into that, I would like to ask you, Michelle, because you set your theme for 2023 last year, which was clarity. And I want to ask you, just as a reflection, how it went for you. Wow. Wow. So first of all, I would be, um, wanting to make sure that our listeners think about the themes that they had set last year. If they didn't. Yeah. We still have, uh, six weeks to go in this year. So theme the rest of the year and test it out. And then, so going into the new year, you're not trying it for the first time. I chose clarity last year, and I think it's one of the most important things I've ever done in my life, because when you set goals, they're sort of personal and you sit with them. You don't really want to. share them publicly. This is the first time that I've made sort of a goal setting framework public And what has happened is a lot of people have heard that this is what I'm doing. I've shared it with a lot of people. And so the word comes up in conversations a lot. And when I say something, Someone will remind me, well, that is helping with the clarity or well, that's going to take you away from clarity. So it, it had this built in accountability that I had not really anticipated baked into the process because the word is easy for people to remember. And so very easy for them to hold me accountable. They didn't have to remember three or four goals, but they kept holding me accountable to this one word. And I thought it was very interesting because I'm really glad that we're having this reflection now because. It's not a done. And I think that's part of what I want to share with that. When we set these goals, when we set these ideas, these themes, it's not that we finish every single thing that we had in mind, I said, clarity, I wanted to think about clarity in the processes that I'm using. I wanted clarity in the people that I'm engaging with, building relationships with, I wanted clarity in the products. That I'm engaging in the programs that we're developing. I want a clarity, even in my own personal space and place, and I haven't checked all those boxes off, but I've made progress on all of those. And it just makes it very simple for me to say, this is what I'm looking for. And these are the areas that I want it. And it has really been a game changer for me. And. If I ever decided that I was going to step away from it, I couldn't because so many people have been holding me accountable to this word, clarity. Plus. I have made sure that intentionally every day I talk about it, that I think about it, and even in my home, I'm thinking, okay, we're going to get clarity in my closet next. We're going to get clarity in my office next. I have to finish this before the end of the year. So it's really just around of the year. Thinking about it and figuring out where I'm going to execute. It has been a game changer for me. And this has really worked effectively for me so much though, that I am going to continue to share it with others to test it out and something I'm going to continue doing myself. I love how it's something continuous for you, because I think with the framework of traditional New Year's resolutions and how we normally set goals, it's uh, Okay, you've achieved it. This is the end point. But this is, a theme is something ongoing, so, I, I do have a question. Because I've heard people, some people who are hesitant to share their goals or they would like to keep them private because they're, I've heard people say that if you share your goals, then it gives you the feeling that you've already accomplished them because you're talking about it. So in your brain, it's like it rewards you for talking about the progress that you're going to make, so you're less likely to make it. Um, personally, I don't know about this. I want to hear your thoughts. Well, there are a number of, um, thought processes around sharing goals. One of them comes from the literature, which really says if you want to achieve your goals, you're 95 percent more likely to achieve it. If not only do you share it, if you share it, you're 50%. 50 percent chance of achieving it. But if you share it with an accountability partner and have a scheduled meetup to discuss goal progress, challenges, opportunities, supports, if you do that, you are 95 percent more likely. to achieve the goal. So there's great data out there to suggest that sharing your goal and having others support you on your goals, it's very beneficial to goal attainment. That's one perspective and that's the one I subscribe to. There is another perspective that's important to consider. It's about who do you share what your goals with and when do you share your goals? So there is, uh, an ongoing theme in the business world and it says, Level up in private and that's one of the concerns that people have is like, I need to, if I have a goal and I want to do certain things, you don't want to share it broadly with everyone, but this comes back to your relationship activity map, which we. Wrote about in our textbook, which is to understand who is around you, who is in your circle and who you have certain conversations with that. You don't share things like your goals with everybody. It's certainly something that you are considerate and thoughtful about who you're going to share it with. You're going to share it with the people who can support you, who will help you. Hold it as confidentially as you want it to be held, who will hold you accountable for it, who will support you with ideas, accountability, with brainstorming, referrals, networking, all of the things that you need to achieve your goals. So you're not going to go and just tell your goals to everyone that walks by you. You're not going to be frivolous in that way. You're going to be thoughtful. About why am I sharing this goal? Who do I need to share it with? And how will the people that I share it with support me, not only in terms of goal attainment, but in respecting my own feelings and emotions around this goal. So these are pieces that are important. The point is there are some people who have high levels of personal accountability and. Hold themselves to the highest level and are disciplined and focused and passionate about their goals, and they go after their goals without anyone needing to hold them accountable. If you know, on the other hand, that halfway through the year, you don't even remember the goals that you had set for yourself, then perhaps having an accountability partner, having. Several accountability partners, sharing a community, sharing with your whole family. Maybe you need a lot more support. Maybe you need a coach, a counselor, some other professional that can help you stay the course. So this is about who you are and how you experience goal setting and goal attainment. You have to know who you are and what your needs are on in this process. One thing that the literature is clear about though, is that when you have support, you are much more likely to achieve your goals. That resonates with my experience as well, um, personally for me, a great way to get me to do something I know myself is to tell the people around me that I'm going to do it because then I feel embarrassed if I don't do it, so, or they'll start asking about it, so then you have to do it, it's a way, like, it's a strategy, it's a forcing function to Get me to do something. So, that resonates with me. I think, I do know some people that are extremely high disciplined who don't need anybody to tell them what to do. And in some facets of our lives, I think we are all like that. Um, but everybody is not like that for everything. For some things, it's very hard for, to get me to do. Um, when I was in school, it was hard for me to get my homework done, so I would have to do it with my friends. But, I was very, very disciplined about going to the gym, and that was because I loved it, and I enjoyed it. Um, but, I know myself, if it's something that I want to get done, but I can't bring myself to do it, then it did help me to have people. And you make a very good point, Flora, is that we're not all good at everything. And so it's back to that self awareness piece, understanding which goals you're more likely to be motivated to achieve and which ones may be very important for you, but maybe a struggle for you. So when you talked about having a hard time doing, say, homework, but very easy to do the gym, we could be accountability partners because that would be the reverse for me. It would be no issue at all to get my homework done, but it would be a really rough track to the gym. And so it's really just knowing that, you know, you partner, knowing what your strengths are, and you partner to mitigate your weaknesses. And even when it comes to goal setting, that is a really true strategy. However, self awareness, knowing yourself and being honest about what you need. And what you don't actually do very well at takes a level of vulnerability and honesty and authenticity, which is not easy for everyone. So on top of the fact that you're not achieving something, then we have to dig a little bit deeper to be honest and to be open, to be vulnerable, and to have this high level of self disclosure, which are all really, really challenging skills for some people. And so sometimes we get stuck. Where we need the help, but we are not comfortable to ask for the help. So we can't get the help that we need to achieve what we want. And so these are some of the things that we have to be aware of. And that there is a great value in understanding that we actually are not people who live alone. Um, okay. I'd like to open the floor. If anybody wants to add, add anything, my word is, um, persistency. How did that work for you in 2023? I didn't know. I didn't, um, well. I, I had support, I, I was just not persistent at executing because I, I did see, you know, I, I did see, I did see the fruits when I actually got in the game, but the persistence it was lacking, so the truth is it didn't work fully for me, but I see the fruit when it's actually there. When you're doing it. And that's the important piece is no theme. Nothing works. No goal, no theme, no strategy works. It's because it has a flaw. We actually have to do it. And that's what we need the help with. That's why we need others. I, I do like, Michelle, what you said was understanding the goals and the priorities. The partner to having having a partner to get your goals achieved that accountability and and then teaming with the right teaming with the right person, because, as they would say you're weak in one area but somebody else is strong in the other. So, um, there are a lot of nuggets that you threw out there just now, but particularly what sat with me was learning how to, to find the right partner, um, in order to get that goal that, you know, that other side of what you, what you know, you don't have, um, to, works. To get you to the place where you're looking to get to. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And as you say that, Havanita, one of the things that comes to mind is sometimes we can't be honest about, we are not, we can be, but we choose not to be honest about where we are. For instance, when it comes to goal setting, I was very proud that Dwayne talked about, you know, he chose persistency and it really worked when he was. When he was doing it, when he was consistent, when he was persistent, but then there's this flaw where you actually have to do something for it to work. There are some people and that, that what Dwayne did this sort of the honest piece, the truth about it saying, you know what I, when it, when I did it, it worked. And that means perhaps Dwayne could benefit from someone to hold him accountable to do it all the time so that it can continue to work and really grow and be a lot more. There are some people who set a goal and when they don't achieve the goal, they rationalize the fact that they didn't achieve it. It happens a lot, especially with, it could even in higher education, someone might say, I want to get an 80. And then they get a 75 and they're like, well, I didn't really need to get an 80 the past, the passing grade that I need was only 70 anyway. So we rationalize and we dismiss. That's true. That's true. We do. Sometimes I find myself in, in, in that I'm not, I'm, I'm all hands off right there. Yeah, I need to jump in and say me too. I mean, that resonated a lot with me. It's but the worst person you can lie to is yourself. You don't have to tell anybody your goals, right? But you have to be clear with yourself on your goals because you're like, Oh, this is not even really my goal. You're not going to get anywhere. And I know this from experience. That's true. That's true. And if you keep lying to yourself that way, it actually begins to impact your confidence when you're setting goals and your willingness to set goals because you've sabotaged yourself out of it. But if you're honest with yourself to say. There's a reason. Let me go back to my process and understand why I didn't achieve this. How did I shift off track? How did I lose focus? What do I need to work on in order to achieve what I did set out to achieve? And that means making sure from the beginning, as we discussed in episode 14, you have already set the smartest goals. That means they're realistic for you. And you know. That you can achieve these goals and they're measurable. So when you come out and decide that, okay, I've set this goal, then that's it's self respect, it's integrity. It's the highest form of integrity. When you say to yourself, this is what I'm going to do. And then you go and do it. And if you can't be honest to yourself, then no one's going to trust you. If every time you set a goal, you, you justify it and diminish its value and diminish its importance, then no one will partner with you on the goal either. So you're really taking yourself out of the goal attainment zone. So it's really important that we are thoughtful when we're setting the goals that we're setting goals that are realistic for us. And that we honor ourselves and our goals in going after them. And that does not mean we achieve them a hundred percent, a hundred percent of the time. But it also means taking an honest look and go, okay, I said, I wanted to get 75 K 73. Huh? All I needed to do was ABC. And next time I'm going to do that to make sure I crossover. And that's the process that we have to do because then we're in this learning and development mode assessing. Act again, correct it, do it again, do it again, keep doing it, the continuous improvement cycle. We use that in our own lives and then we're way better off for it. So I think when we're setting these themes like clarity was something important, that we are really giving it an earnest effort, that we're being Honest with ourselves, that there is integrity in the process, that we're not setting it and going, you know, set it and forget it. Right. That's, that's, we have to make set it and honor it because honoring your goals is honoring yourself. So that's a really important piece of it. And being honest when you dishonor yourself or when you didn't give it your full effort, or sometimes something really. Really real gets in the way an obstacle a real obstacle or something challenging comes up and derails the process but acknowledging that that's what has happened and that you can find a way back on track or maybe we need to modify the goal, but we need to be honest about why we are not achieving the goals that we are setting for ourselves. I want to add something, um, kind of about Dwayne's goal, which was persistence and about the obstacles that are in the way that can get in the way of, uh, persistence, because persistence is, was a goal of mine for a long time. And when I would set New Year's resolutions every year and I wouldn't achieve them, I would think, okay, I'm not being persistent enough. But then. Taking a systems thought approach to it really, in everything in my life, really, really helped to change this for me because I realized, okay, sometimes it's, it's hard to persist. There are things that I could do just one time to make it easier to persist. I don't know if you guys have heard of that story of, uh, it's like, okay, give me, uh, I forgot how it goes, but it's like, this guy has an axe. And then. He's like, he has like 100 days to chop down this tree. He says, I'm going to spend 99 days sharpening my axe instead of trying to cut this tree, right? Sometimes it's not about persistence. Persistence would be continually, continuously trying to chop down that tree with an axe that doesn't work. So if I have a bad system, it's hard to be persistent. So let's say my goal was to, uh, do my homework. Every day for two hours and I would try to persist to do that But it was hard for me because I had these apps on my phone that were distracting So what could I do to make it to sharpen my axe? I could give my phone to a friend and say I'm not allowed to use it I'm going it to lock myself in this room. So that was a system Or an ax sharpening thing. So for me, I found I was actually too hard on myself and I was always beating myself up and then I was a little bit stuck in the cycle of shame and lowering my own confidence because I couldn't achieve my goal. So that kind of brings me. Sorry, this is really long, but that brings me to what I think my word for, um, 2024 is, is self love because I know it's very, I just thought of this as we were talking, and I know it's very broad. It's very, what does that even mean? But I think that's what it came down to was, um, It was being honest with myself and I was trying, but I wasn't even aware of the obstacle that was in the way because I didn't take time to be compassionate to myself and what I was just like, go, go, go, like forcing myself, you know, like beating myself up a little bit. Okay. Well, self love, you already have your word for next year. And what was your word for this year? I didn't have one because I didn't hear this podcast until maybe I wish I found it earlier in 2023. Okay. So, yeah, so jump on your word. And I think when we choose a theme, like I explained to you, I chose clarity and, but I didn't leave it like that. I thought about what do I need clarity with and for. What's the goal of this? Why, why, why clarity? What, what is clarity going to help me to achieve? It's going to help me to determine what programs we are offering. Who are the people we're working with? You know, what is, what does the place that we do work in need to look like? Those are the sorts of things. What are our priorities? Those are sort of the things that I wanted to make sure that we were super clear on these things. And we had a lot of different things happening and a lot of different things going on, but being intentional about, okay, here are all the things that are happening. What are the things that are most important for what we want to achieve? What is it that we do want to achieve? And why do we want to achieve this? And if we achieve this, so what? So what? And what, you know, just going through that Socratic method and asking yourself those questions like, so Flora, you've chosen self-love. Why did you choose self-love? What do you want to get out of this? How are you going to demonstrate, say, um, self-love? And if you were able to achieve self-love, then what? And, and so what, so really going deeper. So not just staying, I'm going to do self love and have it at this sort of. superficial level but digging deeper down the layers to make sure you're very clear on what you mean when you talk about self love. When I say self love, I mean these three things because self love is, you can write five books. So you will not have time to go through all of that in a year, but you need to think about the specificities of that for you. What is it that I'm looking for? And do no more than three, you know, Winston Churchill said one, two, three. Warren Buffett says, do the list and draw the line, delete the rest, focus on the top. So just that, and if you get those three things done, you can always repeat your word and pick a few other things at a later date. But just important for us to think about how we are choosing these words. Why are we choosing them, what we mean by them, and what we want to get out of them. And when we get that, then what? And so what? So that we don't reach halfway through the year and go, I didn't know why I chose this word anyway. What was this all about? I didn't get anything out of it. You are going to get out of it what you put into it. And clarity. I think everybody has to choose clarity for some reason just to get clear on what you have chosen and what that means to you and why it means that to you and what you'll get out of it when you achieve that self love. Where will you be and why is that going to be important and how meaningful is that going to be and what is the significance of that and how will that impact you, your processes, your outcomes, people around you? Really important to be asking those important questions. Um, Michelle, to ask you a question, do, do you go, um, into, like, half of the year reassessing, um, your theme? And if you do, um, what does that look like? Or do you assess yourself, um, on other terms as you go along throughout the year? And when you ask that, um, Havanita, when you ask, do I assess myself in the middle of the year, do you mean do I go back and assess where am I with respect to the clarity that I wanted? Yes, yes, yes. Because if it's really, if it's really your goal that you're, well, if it's that thing, if it's that thing that is supposed to guide you throughout the year. Um, when do you know that you are actually on that right trajectory that you are seeking for, for the outcome, but for the greater outcome, you know what, it's first, when we chose that word, we also had a session and chose, I put that word everywhere. I put it on all my boards. I put it on my screen. I put it on sticky pads. I put it everywhere. I have it. Hashtag clarity is the priority notes in my reminders. It's I have it everywhere. I can't don't want to forget about it. I talk about it every day, and everyone around me knows that this is this is what we're working on, and we are consistently working on clarifying. And so that one word has been incredibly powerful for us. And we've had many other business leaders who went through this exercise with us, who chose things like disruption or confidence or communication. And, and they've been working through those processes. Bake communication into their teams, into their lives, into their organizations. And so it's, it doesn't mean you just say communication and it's a done deal. It means you take time to understand what are the problems that I'm having with communication? What are the problems I'm having with clarity? What is the nature of the problem that I'm having and how do I go forward to fix it? And we, you know, do recommend when we walk through this exercise that people pause and think about. Why is, why is this the word and that's what I alluded to earlier, Flora, like when you say self love, what does that mean and how is that going to manifest so that you understand what are the challenges that you're having now with self love that this focus can help you fix. And which elements of self love are you going to prioritize or focus on because we can't fix all elements of it. So what is it that you're going to, to, to look at? And so to answer your question, Avanita, it really means you're looking at it all the time, but here we are in November. And we're already coming back and reflecting on it in terms of the word, the theme that we've been looking at for the year. Thinking like we have about six weeks before the year is done. So let's do a check in and see what do we have to get done before the year is done to, to really make sure that we've checked off the things that we need to work on as far as our theme for the year is. So we're not even leaving it till the end of the year. We're doing this check in now. And basically it's a race to the end of the year to make sure that the other items that we had and the air the processes that we're going through that we're making the effort to get them to completion at the end of the year, or as many as possible by the end of the year. Did I answer your question? Yes, you did, because you're basically saying, um, you don't really leave it for a timeframe. You just keep going at it constantly. So it's, it's, it's when you have the focus everywhere, anywhere, um, in everything that you do is you don't have to wait for a specific, um, halfway down the journey, halfway through the year to say, Oh, let me, let me know, do a reflection. You're saying just, just have it there in your system. Yeah, bake it into everything. And that's why we call it a theme. Because if you imagine attending an event, let's say a wedding or something with a theme, if it's a water theme, they'll have frozen statues, you'll have waterfalls. So everywhere you go, you'll notice little elements that are all about the water. And so the theme is woven throughout the speeches, talk about water and everything is about this. So really when you think, or if it's a rose, Right. It's baked into everything. Everywhere you look, the flowers, the roses, everything, the food is done in roses. The charcuterie board is all roses. It means baking something in, and that's the mental model of a theme that I want you to be thinking about when you're baking. this theme into your own lives. So then definitely you wouldn't leave it till the end of the year like you would anything else. You would be having this theme carry through the year and that's what makes it powerful and helpful for you. Thank you. So coming to the end of this, I think a way that we can close off is to reiterate the four steps for success originally that we covered in last week's episode and that Michelle, you covered at the beginning of 2023. So a summarized version of it. And I'm going to try to illustrate my goal of self love through each step. So maybe it will paint a clearer picture for the listeners. Um, so step one is to choose a theme for your year, a word or a phrase, no judgment, be, um, honest with yourself, um, yeah, so choose a word. Step two is to think about one activity that you can do every day to support your word or phrase. Um, so it, we have an action step, so we have the Part, it turns from a goal into a process. So now we can actually do something about it and it doesn't just exist in our minds. So for me, self love is so like, what, what does it even mean? Right? It's just something that we hear now. So what does it mean for me? is, um, awareness and focus on myself. So, how can I spend time focusing on myself? Maybe just doing a five minute, close my eyes and feel, how am I feeling? Like, almost a little meditation every day, if it's five minutes, ten, fifteen minutes. That's one daily activity I could do that doesn't take much time. Step three. is to identify the resources you need to support you. This could be as simple as buying a journal or maybe having a coach. Um, so a resource that could help me with my self love is maybe writing down how I feel afterwards or keeping a journal, which is something that I do. Um, Specifically, like, self love related writings. It's like you said, you see the roses, now they're everywhere. So being very mindful of this, so when I'm writing, have it be from a place of compassion and awareness for myself and my feelings. And lastly, step four is to make sure there is a specific block of time in your calendar for the activities in step two. So this is us making sure that it actually happens because our brains are finite, right? We have a million things going on. This is if I schedule the time, if I make the time for it, then it's going to happen. I won't forget about it. I'm not trying to just keep it in my brain. I'm putting it into my calendar. So there you have it. Right. And, and Flora to, to, uh, to add to that is one of the key things is for, for our listeners to understand, you don't need to have the same activity for the whole year. It's to brainstorm a list of activities that contribute to your self love. For instance, it may be networking with people who are at a different place or something like that. It may be building your confidence in an area that you're not confident in. It may be doing some social events that do something to you. It may be. Participating in something, it may be going to the gym, it may be eating healthier, it may be anything, it may be repairing your relationships, whatever that is, it may be repairing your relationship with yourself, whatever those things are, it's about having that list of them, all the things that will contribute. Because you will have to figure out what does self love mean to you and identify all of those and then make sure that you're intentionally adding those things as activities and blocking time off to do that. So it's not that there's only one thing that you can do. As I mentioned to you. With Clarity, we've been working on people, our priorities, programs, everything like that, the process. So it's not one thing that you can do. It's brainstorming the things that break down from the bigger theme. Sort of, this is a big thing. These are the many little pieces that contribute to that bucket and putting each of them into your calendar and making sure that you are creating time and space for them. That way, as, as Avenita said, it's not something you check on three months from now, but it's baked into your everyday routines and baked into your life. And that's the only way you can call it a theme. So what we're wishing for you is that you will reflect on your theme for 2023. If you had one, if you didn't have one at that time, now is a good time to sit down and brainstorm. You don't need to pick the first theme that comes to mind. Pick a theme, brainstorm the ways in which that theme could change your life. Pick another one and think about it and then decide which theme and which activities will define your life in 2024. Thank you for listening to this episode of Upskill Talks we bring you new episodes every Monday. Please take a moment to subscribe, leave a five star rating, and a written review at Apple Podcasts. Or follow us on Spotify, Google Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. Don't forget to share upskill talks with other leaders like yourself, so they too may gain the skills and insights to produce amazing results. Please go to upskillcommunity. com to review show notes and learn how you can join a community of leaders from across the globe. Collaborating to lead in a more meaningful and impactful way. I'm your host, Michelle Shaw. And again, thank you for joining me on this episode of Upskill Talks.